Naruto the Random blood
by True Assassins
Summary: during the scroll incident Naruto awakens a bloodline but its a brand new one and he calls it random blood with the power to do things randomly and ironically Naruto will rise to the occasion and become one of the strongest yet strangest ninjas harem stry
1. Chapter 1

Hey all this is Spawn the Risen One with a new slightly crazy idea I had! It's about Naruto with a bloodline called the Irony blood. Basically what Naruto says comes true at times randomly. Hope you like this story idea because it has my focus right now.

?: And as your Beta I say let the games begin!

Speech

_Thoughts_

**Demonic Speech**

_**Demonic thoughts**_

Today was the Day of the Graduation exam for the Konoha Ninja Academy, and one Naruto Uzumaki was really excited! His only problem was the Clone Jutsu but his Jiji, The Sandamie Hokage, fixed that with the Darkness Clone Jutsu; since Naruto had an affinity for Darkness because of the Kyuubi. But Naruto didn't know why he was given this jutsu nor did he really care.

Today was also the day Naruto would, unfortunately, find out about the Kyuubi because of an idiot instructor (*Chough* ?: Mizuki *Chough*).

**The Forrest of Death**

We find our hero in the middle of a deep dark and evil feeling forest because of an earlier encounter with said idiot instructor, Mizuki (?: Called it!).

**Flashback**

"Hey Naruto, I have a special mission for you. If you pass you can choose your jonin sensei and teammates."

Now Naruto was not stupid, far from it in fact. He knew how to tell when someone was lying; he had to learn from a young age, mostly because of all the lies and things that happened to him, so he knew Mizuki was lying to him.

He went along with the lie anyway, to keep up appearances; and so he could catch Mizuki in the act. Thus he did as the idiot instructed but also told the Hokage who gave him permission (?: Not like that idiots! This isn't Yaoi nor Shotacon!).

**End flashback**

Naruto heard rustling in the bushes. When he looked up he saw Iruka pop out of them with a glare as the scared Chunin said: "I finally found you Naruto! You're in big trouble!"

"Iruka-sensei, can I show you the jutsu I learned so I can choose my jonin sensei and team now? I studied really hard!"

"Naruto what the hell are you talking about?"

"Mizuki-sensei said that if I learned one technique from the scroll; I could choose my Jonin sensei and team!"

Iruka looked shocked that his long time friend Mizuki would do something like this. But then he immediately had to push Naruto out of the way of a huge Fuma Shuriken as it lodged itself into the tree behind them they then heard an thoroughly evil chuckle.

"HAHAHAAHAHA I never thought you were a demon lover Iruka! Naruto hand me the scroll!"

"No, Naruto don't! He's going to leave the village with it, you can't give it to him!"

"Ah, don't be that way Iruka. You hate the kid as much as everyone else should I tell him why everyone hates him"

"No Mizuki its forbidden!"

"What's forbidden to tell me? Come on sensei tell me"

"HAHAHA, the Yondaime could not kill the Kyuubi cause a mere human can not kill a demon, let alone the strongest of them! So he sealed it into a baby boy born that night! You, Naruto, are the nine tailed fox, Kyuubi! Now when I kill you and Iruka I will be seen as a hero for killing you and acting like I was trying to save Iruka!"

At that time Naruto had a breakdown (?: I swear that I will make him a BAMF! Can't have your main character suffer a breakdown now can we?); that is until Iruka said he was not the demon just its jailer. After Naruto calmed down a bit he followed Iruka's instructions for him to run with the scroll and find the Hokage.

Naruto was about to run, but because of an unknown feeling, he suddenly turned around and said: "I wish I had one thousand feet. So I could shove five hundred of them in your worthless cocksucking ass!" As soon as the words left his mouth Naruto, for an inexplicable reason, grew one thousand feet. As he looked down he gained a disturbing and quite devilish grin. That night everyone would be haunted by the screams coming from the Forest of Death, as a traitor received an even worse punishment to his ass then when Orochi-Uke decided to reward him.

Iruka was understandably shocked by his favorite student's actions; and after the additional feet disappeared, called Naruto over: "Hey Naruto, come here I have a present for you! (?: So many damned Yaoi and Shotacon references!)" Naruto walked over to Iruka and closed his eyes; he soon felt a weight put on his head. Opening his eyes he saw Iruka without his headband; going on instinct he felt his own head and felt the headband was now on his head. With great care he traced the emblem of the Leaf symbol with his fingers.

Unknown to him a few tears slid down his face, confirming to Iruka that this was Naruto, and with a shaky voice he spoke: "Thank you Iruka-Sensei." Naruto quickly ran up to his surrogate big brother and hugged him, but without the creepy sunset Genjutsu of a certain two who shall remain unnamed.

**Hokage's Tower: 2 hours later**

The old wizened man, Sarutobi Hiruzen aka the Sandamie Hokage, puffed on his pipe as he looked at the scared Academy teacher and the blond that he considered his grandson, who had somehow gained a massive Nodachi on the way here. With one final puff to collect his thoughts the Old man spoke: "So Naruto-kun, how did you do those things"

Naruto looked thoughtful, something that if he was older would have him rolling in women and sex because of its charm, for a second before he responded: "I don't know, but in my head somehow I knew that if I said 'I wish' before saying anything it would happen. So I went for it, and it did. I think it maybe a new bloodline or something." Naruto finished his statement with a shrug.

The Sandamie and Iruka nearly choked when what Naruto said caught up to them. The Sandamie spoke through his coughs: "Why do you say that, Naruto-Kun?"

Naruto shrugged again, almost as if the answer was self evident: "Because it called itself Random Blood. So I think what it does is random or ironically. A good example would be having a fire user attacked by his own Jutsu or the like."

Now imagine the looks on Iruka's and the Hokage's faces when they hear Naruto using these big words. It was almost too much and the Third finally spoke up again: "Naruto-kun how do you know those big words?"

Here Naruto just chuckled: "I have always been smart, I merely hid my intelligence. Mostly because the attacks and beatings would have been a hell of a lot worse if I was smart. . I was once beaten to within an inch of my life before being raped when I showed I could answer Jonin level questions at the start of the academy; so I hid my intelligence. Better a dumb demon container then an intelligent powerful one in the eyes of the civilians and parts of the Ninja corps." He chuckled mirthlessly as he finished speaking.

After a few minutes of silence Naruto spoke up with a slight chuckle: "Hey old man, I am going to tell you a secret. I am not who you think I am."

The Sandamie was understandably shocked: "What do you mean Naruto-kun?"

Said blond chuckled: "What I mean is I'm not really what I look like. I had a little time working with seals, and as a result made a transformation seal that makes it so no one can detect the transformation; I look a whole lot different under the transformation."

With a raised eyebrow Hiruzen spoke: "Well let us see Naruto-kun."

Naruto made a hand sign, which revealed a seal on his chest. It looked like a circle with an eight sided shuriken in the middle and four kunai one for each end it; it then disappeared and, following a poof of smoke, standing before the Hokage and Iruka was something that shocked them.

Naruto was not the four foot five midget everyone thought he was. In his place was a five foot nine young man and his hair was longer and less spiky but held a few spikes it was also a moonlight silver color instead of blonde. On top of that his muscles were no longer the malnourished looking noodles they used to be; instead they were ripped and looked like they could tear a person in half. Another thing that changed was his clothing, instead of the orange monstrosity he now had on a pair of camouflage pants that were baggy but also tight enough so they did not fall down he had a black shirt with a scary looking skull on it with the kanji for Pain and punishment underneath it.

He had a Chakram tied to his hip on a belt made to hold them and he had an earring in each ear both looked to be a tooth of some type of animal. The two senior ninjas fainted from an information overload.


	2. there is a time and place for lions

**YO this is Gundam Epiyon and this is the next chapter to random blood**

**The Beta (yes this is a rip-off from Red vs. Blue): Let's get this show on the road!**

**AN: Now a lot of you may wonder where I am going with this. Well let's just say that Insanity and laughs at this particular story. Because Naruto is slightly insane and it will show in this upcoming chapter now; he's not "I am gonna kill you insane" like the Joker from Batman. No he's more of a prank happy insane and its gonna be one helluva party with Naruto's pranks in the upcoming chapter anyway on with Chapter 2**

Speech

_Thought_

**Demonic Speech**

_**Demonic Thought**_

After two hours of trying to wake both Iruka and the Hokage up, Naruto got a devilish grin on his face and said: "Oh shit, there's some Kunoichi making out in the water fountain outside in the park!"

Immediately both the Hokage and Iruka got up and ran to the window, desperately trying to find the scene which Naruto described; only for Naruto to laugh so hard when they asked what was funny he said: "I knew you were a perv Hokage-jisan, but I never would of thought that Iruka-sensei was a perv as well, and that was just to wake you guys up."

A completely embarrassed Sarutobi chuckled nervously: "Ehem, yes well now that we are up mind, telling us why you didn't trust us enough to tell us how smart you were."

Naruto raised an eyebrow and spoke as if they were extremely slow: "Easy, if I told you then you would not have the natural look of surprise when I revealed how smart I actually was.

Both Iruka and Sarutobi, who were sporting sweatdrops, were thinking along the same lines: _"Still the same old Naruto, only much smarter."_

"Ok I guess that makes sense. Anyway for your service in defeating a chunin as well as obtaining a bloodline of sorts; you are hereby promoted to gennin. Now you have a month off before team assignments; I suggest you use this time to train in your bloodline is that understood gennin Uzumaki?"

Naruto stood at attention, knowing it was a time to be serious and said: "Yes sir, Hokage-Sama." Which shocked the hell out of both Iruka and Sarutobi, because Naruto did not call the Sandamie Jiji.

After that was all said and done Naruto left to train his new bloodline; he would not be seen except for a few times when seen at Ichiraku ramen bar, or at random times during the day.

A month later, a figure was walking back into Konoha. The figure stood at five foot eleven, where it used to be five foot nine; it was wearing Black Anbu style pants with Silver spiked shingaurds; steel toed boots instead of the standard ninja sandals; the figure also wore no shirt showing off his massive eight pack frame, which was making quite a few women faint in the street as they saw him; he was wearing a cloak which had spiked silver shoulder pads and his hair was blonde in a straight spiky combo (picture super Saiyan four Goku's hair only blonde); as he walked he was doing the peck pop of love, which made quite a few men jealous since they weren't that buff and every woman that looked his way was rocketing backwards via nosebleed and a perverted smile on their faces. His muscles looked as if they would pop if they moved, that's how big and defined they were, the figure took off the half mask he was wearing to show Uzumaki Naruto as he walked right into the Hokage's office.

The blonde just spoke in a completely bored tone as he walked in: "Hey Ji-san, I am back from training!"

The Sandamie's pipe fell out of his mouth as he looked upon his surrogate grandson: "Naruto is that you? Damn one month really did you good; how the hell did you manage to get so buff in one month?"

Naruto chuckled: "Well did you know the shadow clone can do chakra work, but the darkness clone can do body work as well as spirit work?"

Sarutobi blinked a few times before responding: "Well I knew that the shadow clone does retain memory; but I had no idea that any clone jutsu could retain muscle memory."

The blond gennin chuckled: "Well if the Shadow clones retain memories, why not use them to do your paper work? That way you can spend more time having fun and spending time with Konohamaru and Asuma."

Sarutobi looked at Naruto for about ten seconds with a look of stupidity, before a look of realization came upon his face he took out a huge envelope that read: "When you find out the way to defeat paperwork open this." Opening the envelope he took out a big sheet of paper that said "bang head here." He then placed the paper on his desk before repeatedly banging his head onto his desk, all the while spouting numerous curses and ways to kill himself for not figuring it out sooner.

Ten minutes of banging his head Later Sarutobi finally stopped, got up and gave Naruto a SSS rank mission pay voucher for helping him learn the secret to defeating paper work. Needless to say Naruto was freaking rich now, but he still had a sweat drop because of how much pay he got for that; however he did not want to flaunt it like all other clans do when they have lots of money.

After leaving the Hokage's office, and more women and teenage girls fainting at his appearance, Naruto made it to the academy for team placement. When he arrived 'Sasuke's' fangirls switched sides; with Kiba groaning that why can't he get bitches with all the girls glaring at him for using that to describe them and the only loyal 'Sasuke' fangirl left was Sakura Whoruno, I mean Haruno.

Naruto decided to screw with the class, and Iruka, so he walked up the wall, and laid down and started to do sit-ups ON THE CEILING everybody was stunned or 'jealous' in 'Sasuke's' case.

"DOBE, TELL ME HOW TO DO THAT WALK UP THE WALL! I'M AN UCHIHA ONLY I SHOULD KNOW SUCH TECHNIQUES!"

Naruto looked at 'Sasuke' with a look that seemed to scream "Are you stupid" before continuing and said: "This is a chakra control exercise everyone can learn it not just your oh so great Uchihaness; so unless you want to go to the ninja council and say only Uchihas can do this exercise, and then most likely get your ass kicked for being stupid then shut the hell up and wait for Iruka."

With that being said Naruto let his bottom half stop letting chakra flow and only had his hands on the ceiling and started to do pull ups which in itself had the girls and a certain Uchiha (The Beta: You better be doing what I think your doing, or I _will_ stop being your Beta.) blushing at his sweating abs.

After Iruka had announced the teams, and they all were sitting in their seats waiting for their senseis, Naruto had pulled out a pen and thick notebook and was writing; Kiba had come up behind him and snatched it from his hands reading the title of the page.

Kiba's eyebrow raised, in shock: "Final Fantasy 7? Wait, you're the Author of the top-selling book series in the Elemental Nations? Those books even topped Jiraiya-sama's Icha Icha in its first week on the shelves! I have the first six when will this one be ready?"

Everyone was looking at Naruto with wide eyes; they all had copies of the books and loved them! They even knew their parents read them; they had a little something for everyone Romance for the girls, Action and adventure for the boys, suspense for everyone, and tragedy tear jerking moments that the girls enjoyed to read about for some reason.

Naruto, in a calm yet somehow completely pissed off tone, decided to get back to his hobby/money making idea: "I would be done with it as soon as possible, if I got my notebook back Kiba." At that everyone in the classroom was glaring at Kiba telling him to give the notebook back so the best author in the world could finish his latest work.

Ino, who was batting her eyes at him in an attempt to be seductive, spoke in a tone that would get most boys to think with their other head: "Can you tell us what this one is about Naruto?"

Our favorite blond Gennin responded as he continued to write: "No, but I will tell you this story will come in six books. It's basically its own mini series in the story line. The one I am currently writing is called Crisis Core, the second is called Before Crisis, the third will be called Final Fantasy VII, the fourth is called Advent Children Complete, the fifth is Dirge of Cerberus, and the final one is going to be called Dirge of Cerberus: Lost Episode. That is all I am saying, you will have to wait for them to come out to read them."

This got everyone excited; Final Fantasy VII would be the first mini series of the Final Fantasy books. Some were even trying yet failing to see what he was writing mainly because he had a Genjutsu over his notebook not allowing anyone but himself to read what he was writing at the moment.

Finally after what seemed like hours the senseis started coming in, taking their squads, most of which would fail the real gennin test; finally a young woman with red eyes came through the door dragging a silver haired jonin with a half face mask and his headband covering his left eye, with a smoking bearded jonin walked in after them.

The bearded chain Smoker broke the silence: "Team 10, follow me to training ground 14." That was Ino, Shikamaru, and Choji's queue to get up and leave with the now smoking jonin.

The red eyed beauty glared at the smoking jonin, before turning back around and saying: "Team 8 with me." That caused Kiba, Shino, and Hinata to get up and leave with Kurenai; who was again glaring, this time at Kakashi for reading his Icha Icha in front of her.

Kakashi sighed and without looking up from his smut said: "Well I already hate you." Which seemed to get a very hateful stared from his soon to be team.

Kakashi sighed again and finally said: "Meet me on the roof in five minutes or you will be sent back to the academy." With that he disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Naruto then grabbing hold of 'Sasuke' and Sakura, before using a new skill he learned from his random blood; and threw them up in the air before transforming into a huge Majestic Lion. He then jumped out the window with both of his teammates screaming in fear before digging his claws into the wall and using his chakra to run up the side of the building.

Imagine Kakashi's surprise when a huge freaking Lion jumped onto the roof and then let loose a loud deafening roar that scared the living shit out of everyone within a five mile radius. The Lion then morphed back into Naruto; who then fell down laughing the whole time at the freaked out looks on his teams faces, and the look of lust on 'Sasuke's' face before it quickly disappeared back into a scowl and brooding persona.

Kakashi, reburied in his smut, spoke in his usual lazy drawl: "Well after that scary entrance by Naruto, lets introduce ourselves to each other if we are going to be a team."

Sakura, showing her intelligence as befitting the Kunoichi of the year, decided to ask the obvious: "What do you mean sensei?" This caused the others to look at her thinking: _"And she was the smartest in the academy?"_

Kakashi's lazy drawl once again answered: "What I mean is your name likes, dislikes, dreams and goals for the future I will go first. My name is Kakashi Hakate; I like things; I dislike other things; and my dreams and goals well you are not old enough to know those yet."

Naruto, with twitching eye, spoke in a completely annoyed tone: "In other words: you like porn; you hate anyone who hates porn; your dream is to write your own porn; and your goal is to star in a porno movie." This caused our favorite Cyclops to look at him in utter surprise before sputtering: "How did you know all that".

Naruto replied with a rueful chuckle: "I know lots of things dog-san."

Causing Kakashi to once again go wide eyed before replying: "Well then Mr. Smart ass you're next."

Naruto thought about it for a second, before squashing the impulse to copy Kakashi's intro, and then spoke in a carefree tone: "Well my name is Naruto Uzumaki; I like ramen, a girl whos name means flower, a certain dango addict , and a certain red eyed jonin; my dislikes are those who can't see underneath the underneath, and the time it takes to cook home made ramen; my dreams and goals are to finish my book series, see it stay at the number one selling list, and to have a big family."

Kakashi, only minorly interested, replied lightly: "Oh, and what book series do you write Naruto?" Both 'Sasuke' and Sakura were getting ready to blurt it out; but Naruto beat them to it by taking out a book which Kakashi realized was Final Fantasy 1. Seeing this he immediately went into fan boy mode about the book; causing Naruto to use "Pimp Slap No Jutsu" on him saying "Snap out of it sensei!"

That was enough to get him back on track, just in time for Sakura's intro: "My name is Sakura Haruno," she was interrupted by Naruto saying: "You mean Whoruno." Sakura, while trying and failing to punch Naruto, screamed at the top of her lungs: "Shut up Naruto-Baka!"

After recomposing herself she continued: "Anyway I like reading the Final Fantasy series, but am considering stopping since I know its Naruto who writes them; I like;" here she looked at Sasuke and giggled, then fainted from a nosebleed she apparently had a fantasy about said brooder who just scooted away from the crazy stalker pink haired howler monkey.

Kakashi, sweatdrop present, then turned to his last student: "Ok moving on from that disturbing introduction, Brooding-Duck-Butt-San your next."

Said Duck-butted one scowled before responding: "My name is 'Sasuke' Uchiha; I like the same book series as Sakura, and that scares me, I also love anything with tomatoes; I hate everything else; my dreams and goals are to restore my clan, get a certain someone to notice the real me, and to kill a certain man."

Kakashi, Naruto, and a recently awakened Sakura were wandering who this mystery person 'Sasuke' wanted to show the real 'him' to, only with Sakura thinking it was her and that her 'Sasuke-kun' was just shy.

Kakashi then spoke up with an eye smile: "OK we'll meet at training ground 7, at 7 tomorrow for the real test."

Sakura, smartest Kunoichi in her class that she is, decided she needed clarification: "What real test didn't we take the gennin test in the academy?"

Kakashi, still not taking his nose out of his book, spoke in a nonchalant tone: "No that was just to weed out the hopeless cases. Oh and one more word of advice, skip breakfast tomorrow or you will only throw it up." He then left in a swirl of leaves, signifying the basic Konoha Shushun.

Naruto spoke up as soon as he was sure his sensei was out of range: "Hey guys, I suggest you eat tomorrow; if you don't it will slow you down during the test." Naruto then left in his Majestic Lion form. The other two then went their own ways home; but not without Sakura pestering 'Sasuke' for a date the whole time until 'he' slammed the door to 'his' house in her face, causing a dent to appear in the clan compound's door.

Not knowing that what would happen tomorrow would be a life changing event, the three gennin fell asleep. After a big supper in Naruto and 'Sasuke's' cases; with Sakura eating a small salad and a tiny glass of diet water with a diet pill before going to the bathroom to throw it up so she could stay thin for 'Sasuke-kun' before going to bed herself.

**Hey guys sorry for the long wait for this chapter anyway next chpt I will reveal some of Naruto's skills he learned during the one month period, anyway read and review if you don't like this story oh well I tried.**

**There will be a harem but I will not add Hinata, Sakura, Tsunade, or Tsume so don't ask; and please don't tell me the reason why you love Hinata cause I don't care I just don't like her.**

**on a sidenote I am letting you all know that most of my new stories and ideas will be going up on yourfanfiction . com because of obvious reasons if they aren't obvious read the updates on the main page of fanfiction anyway my name on your fanfiction is same as here only instead of Epiyon I accidently spelled it wrong its Epiyan there so if you look in a week or 2 I will have my first new idea up on that site I have about 2 more new ideas going up on this site but that is it after those only updates will come here**


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